JPs Internal Monologue

Broken

2004-08-02T10:47:00.000-04:00

I'm broken... no way to be fixed. Useless, I should be discarded. The one person that could make me feel otherwise no longer cares... did they ever care? Or were they using my for their own ends all along... Doesn't matter. I'm glad. It makes it easier not to talk to them. I promised myself I wouldn't bother them with my problems anymore, but keep wanting to seek the solace that comes with talking to them. But that's just an illusion... fake... the kind words said are just just like glue and tape on an old toy that you don't want to give up... it's still broken, the fractures remain.

Sigh...

2004-07-09T20:14:00.000-04:00

Back in March, I bought tickets to go see Prince when he's playing in July. They were fanclub pre-sell tickets that are in the sections closest to the stage. The friend I bought the companion ticket for (and who was my ride) has decided to take a job where he's not going to be in the state for the next two weeks. This means that I'm now out $200 for tickets, and I'm not going to the concert. Lovely. I understand his "I can take this job and make $xxxx.xx dollars, or see a Prince concert" argument, but, you know, what about the fact that your friend shelled out $200 for tickets to a concert 4 months ago? What about the money I lost? I don't make anywhere near what he makes, but fuck that fact. I've been psyched to see this concert for 5 months, now I can't get there... Woo Hoo!!! I hate my fucking life.

I think the moral of the story for both of todays entries is friends aren't worth having. Might as well cut them out of my life too, since they end up always screwing me over in the end.

Random things...

2004-07-09T14:43:00.000-04:00

Know what I hate? That friend everyone seems to have who never has money to do anything (which is ok), but then just expects you to pay for them without even asking if it's ok. You say you're going out to dinner, they come along with everybody, order an entire meal (never just something small, but a whole freaking dinner complete with dessert), then when the check comes, just passes the check to other people. WTF is up with that?? Am I your fucking bank?? Shit, if you don't have money, at least ASK if we can spot you the cash for food.

I also can't stand when people decide they're going to use me as their moral compass so they don't do something stupid. GUESS WHAT? I don't want to be the person who has to tell you that cheating on your girlfriend is NOT okay, not to mention fucking stupid and sleazy. You should be able to figure that shit out yourself. I don't want to hear about how sometimes she can be clingy and over reacts to things, thinking you're going to leave her or you're cheating on her WHEN YOU ARE DOING JUST THAT. She apparently has reasons to worry. I hate cheaters. I can't stand them. STOP TELLING ME YOU'RE CHEATING. I DON'T WANT TO BE YOUR MORAL COMPASS! YOU DON'T LISTEN TO ME ANYWAY ASSHOLE!

Of course, the above paragraphs refer to the same person. Why is it that assholes like that seem to fall into relationships that they just fuck up, but I'm sitting here alone?

Long time, no write

2004-06-22T13:16:00.000-04:00

Haven't wrote in a while. My mother has passed away. That's all I want to say right now about that... will post another update shortly once I collect my thoughts on what I want to say.

Don't look up

2004-06-01T08:55:00.000-04:00

I'm one of those people who walks with their head down, looking at the ground in front of them. Always have been. Occasionally, I look up and realize that their is an amazing looking world out there, that it's not just grey concrete and black asphalt. For a split second, I'll think "wow, the world is beautiful.". Then I realize that I don't belong there, that I'm not meant for that, that concrete and asphalt is what I am, and nothing can seem to change that, because even when I try to reach for the beauty, I'll always fall back to the concrete.

Is it my fault??

2004-05-18T09:29:00.000-04:00

Is it my fault??

That's what I keep thinking to myself. Maybe if I wasn't out last Wednesday night, Maybe I would have been able to get to my mother earlier than my dad (who was sleeping, exhausted from working all night and taking care of my mother all day). if we caught her seizure earlier then maybe then she would still be able to breath on her own.

Ever not be able to talk to the person who you want to the most?

2004-05-17T09:36:00.000-04:00

Through my life, I've almost never really trusted anyone completely. It seems like every time I start to, something always happens and I've been betrayed or mocked. I've learned to keep everything fairly locked away. The one exception to that was one person, whom i considered my closest friend. Not in the sense that I hung out with her all the time, but felt I could honestly talk to her about anything without feeling like an idiot, and without worrying about what I told her being used against me or told to others. It was an amazing experience but, unfortunately, turned out just like every other time. Whatever her reasons, fair or foul, she betrayed my trust by telling my words to someone else... even worse, showed a very private email from me that contained personal information to someone. No matter what the reasons for doing so were, I can't trust her anymore. which makes these hard times even more unbearable. I have to see her everyday, and I want to go to her and talk, because she seemed to be the only person that could make me feel better when I get this depressed, but I can't. I honestly don't know how to get by. I go out into the world, put on a smile wearing mask, act the part, but I'm falling apart inside.

Update on previous entry

2004-05-15T00:28:00.000-04:00

My mother is intensive care right now. She apparently had some sort of seizure, and can not breath on her own, so they have her hooked to a machine. They say she's in stable condition though... I sometimes wonder about hospital terminology... I mean the logical part of my brain understands that she's not getting worse, so she's technically stable but she's not breathing on her own, how can that be considered stable.

Basically, my day today has been trying to keep busy to not freak out over this. Considering I stayed home from work, that was kind of a hard thing to do. Fortunately, I did manage to get the bookshelves I ordered from WalMart (which is the work of the gods apparently, since thats the only way to explain their low prices... we don't have a WalMart near here, so I never realized what good deals they had.), so I did spend 2.5 hours putting one of them together. Now I just have to clear enough space in my bedroom to actually fit the bookshelf in, so I can put the books on it. :-P

I would also like to state that these furniture companys that make you build the pieces should probably give you a way to build the damn thing by yourself... There was this one step where I had to put a piece of molding on the end of the side piece. To line it up properly, I was supposed to put the bottom molding piece next to the side piece, then put the side molding I was screwing on flush with that. Now, if anyone can explain to me how I'm supposed to screw something in, while holding the side molding piece tightly against the bottom molding piece, while making sure that piece doesn't move away from the side panel OR the side molding piece without having to have 6 hands, please feel free to drop me an email.

Freaking out

2004-05-13T00:43:00.000-04:00

Great. It's 12:44am and I'm sitting here wondering whats going on. I'm typing in this hoping that by focusing on typing what's happening will prevent me from freaking out even more than I already am. My mother is very sick. She's had two strokes, and is confined to her bed. She can't really talk anymore and is in constant pain. I arrive home today at around half-past-eleven, to find that she is not in her bed, or the house. My father is gone, along with the car. I can only assume that something has happened and have been waiting for my father to come home, or to receive a phone call. I'm now completely worked up, on the verge of a breakdown, needing to know whats happening, since apparently it's serious enough that my dad hasn't called at all... I can't goto sleep, I can't do anything except worry...

Sometimes, Life Is Just There

2004-05-12T08:38:00.000-04:00

You ever get the feeling that you're constantly running in circles? That no matter what you do, it's always the same thing day in and day out. I've been feeling exactly like that for a while now. Work is horrible, and nothing is going on in my personal life. Sometimes I just feel like I want to get out of here and actually do something. What that something is, I haven't got a clue.

I sometimes really want to take up my friends offer of moving out to California. Just quit my job, pack up, leave and start over somewhere else. It's very tempting... being around completely new people, people who don't have any preconceived notions of who you are.

Then the rational side of my brain tells me that it's crazy. That dropping everything and moving all the way across the country would be insane. It also tells me that doing that would just be running away from the things I don't want to deal with; and there's definitely a hint of truth in that.

Of course, it's the rational side of my brain that always seems to win out in everything, so here I sit at work, going through the motions, not really giving a shit about anything. Here I am, unable (or maybe unwilling) to make such a drastic change in my life that may end up being better for me, because I'm afraid of the unknown. Because there's a certain comfort in the pain you already know than going out and facing the unknown one.

(EDIT: OK, Right After Publishing This Post, I remember where I had heard that before. It's from Everwood, here's the thing, in it's entirety)

My Fatal Flaw, by Ephram Brown

The more things change, the more they stay the same. I'm not sure who the first person was who said that. Probably Shakespeare. Or maybe Sting. But at the moment, it's the sentence that best explains my tragic flaw: my inability to change.
I don't think I'm alone in this. The more I get to know other people, the more I realize it's kind of everyone's flaw. Staying exactly the same for as long as possible, standing perfectly still... It feels safer somehow. And if you are suffering, at least the pain is familiar. Because if you took that leap of faith, went outside the box, did something unexpected... Who knows what other pain might be out there, waiting for you. Chances are it could be even worse.

So you maintain the status quo. Choose the road already traveled and it doesn't seem that bad. Not as far as flaws go. You're not a drug addict. You're not killing anyone... Except maybe yourself a little.

When we finally do change, I don't think it happens like an earthquake or an explosion, where all of a sudden we're like this different person. I think it's smaller than that. The kind of thing most people wouldn't even notice unless they looked at us really close. Which, thank God, they never do.

But you notice it. Inside you that change feels like a world of difference. And you hope this is it. This is the person you get to be forever... that you'll never have to change again.

Hmmm.... am I crazy?

2004-05-11T09:29:00.000-04:00

Well, I've gone and done it. I don't know why, but I've decided to do one of these blog things. Pretty much for posting my random thoughts and feelings. Sometimes writing seems to be the only way to vent frustrations. There are lots of times when friends just don't seem to get it, when you just want to scream out:

WHY THE HELL DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M TRYING TO COPE WITH!!??

I figure, why not let everyone else see what kind of raving madman I can be sometimes.

If anyone ends up reading this, I urge you to look at Draw The Girl. It was the first online journal I started reading, and is one of the best. That girl is amazing, and reading her stuff really got me through some hard times.